Whenever a college or professional football player commits some act of violence — against a woman, against a dog, against some dude in a bar at two in the morning, against an opponent on or off the field — here’s what the coaching staff and other team officials say:

1. "We take offenses like this seriously. Very seriously."
2. "We've talked to X. We'll handle it in house."
3. "X is a great teammate, really a great guy, everybody loves him. He's not that kind of person."
4. "What X did is not in any way representative of our guys and who we are as a program."
5. "To prove how seriously we take this kind of thing, we're gonna make X sit out the first quarter of our game against Southwest Technical College."