For me, the competition for Best Wodehouse Novel comes down to The Code of the Woosters and Uncle Fred in the Springtime. Uncle Fred, more properly Frederick Altamont Cornwallis Twistleton, 5th Earl of Ickenham, is my favorite Wodehouse character. Here we see Uncle Fred and Lord Emsworth trying to convince an acquaintance of Uncle Fred’s, a con man named Claude “Mustard” Pott, to transport and hide Emsworth’s prize pig, the Empress of Blandings … for reasons too complex to get into here.
The clouds gathered once more when Mr Pott, having listened to Lord Emsworth’s proposal, regretfully declined to have anything to do with removing the Empress from her sty and wafting her away to Ickenham Hall.
‘I couldn’t do it. Lord E.’
‘Eh? Why not?’
‘It wouldn’t be in accordance with the dignity of the profession.’
Lord Ickenham resented this superior attitude.
‘Don’t stick on such beastly side, Mustard. You and your bally dignity! I never heard such swank.’
‘One has one’s self-respect.’
‘What’s self-respect got to do with it? There’s nothing infra dig about snitching pigs. If I were differently situated, I’d do it like a shot. And I’m one of the haughtiest men in Hampshire.’
‘Well, between you and me, Lord I,’ said Claude Pott, discarding loftiness and coming clean, ‘there’s another reason. I was once bitten by a pig.’
‘Not really?’
‘Yes, sir. And ever since then I’ve had a horror of the animals.’
Lord Emsworth hastened to point out that the present was a special case.
‘You can’t be bitten by the Empress.’
‘Oh, no? Who made that rule?’
‘She’s as gentle as a lamb.’
‘I was once bitten by a lamb.*
Lord Ickenham was surprised.
‘What an extraordinary past you seem to have had, Mustard. One whirl of excitement. One of these days you must look me up and tell me some of the things you haven’t been bitten by.’